Ever so recently, the glorious day came about when I got my braces off (wootwoot). Ever since then, I have compulsively chewed gum. Lately I have been iffy about the gum chewing because I heard an urban legend from my oh-so urban friend that gum chewing leads to a double chin. Now naturally this broke my gum loving little heart. Give me a band aid and say it's all lies?
Love, Jenna aka j slice Hey Jenna -
I did a little research and came up with absolutely nada saying that gum chewing leads to a double chin. In fact, I found something suggesting that just the opposite is true. An incredible website, Indiaparenting.com, in addition to giving tips on when girls should start waxing themselves (11 year olds get the go ahead), endorses chewing gum to prevent double chins (check the "Chin Up" paragraph). So chew away, braceless one. Keep it fresh,
Heather
Dear Heather,First of all, I'd like to say that your clothing and site rock like an old skool AC/DC concert. They hug my bod in all the right places, and Denmark should be ashamed of trying to steal them. I've never liked Europeans... even though I am one. Anyway, all of that said, I've always wanted to ask the almighty heath (can i call you heath?) a question. I've enjoyed music my whole life. Music is the life's blood. I've enjoyed Led Zeppelin, the Who, and the Stones. I just don't know which one could win in a cage match complete with barbed wire on the top. So, obviously my question is what is the meaning of life? Love, Gabe (and this question came in 10 minutes later) Heather,
Hah...but seriously who would win in the cage match of classic rock? If I don't get an answer to this question, my life will never be complete, and I may end up on Jerry Springer. Save me from my all too close future, Gabe Hey Gabe -
I recruited Rock Music expert Pat Mucha (but you can call him Mr. MUCHAcho) to help me with your question. He can play "Dueling Banjos" (both parts at the same time), and he knows a lot more about frets and bridges and stairways to heaven than I do. Here's Mr. Muchacho's take on who would win a WWF Cage Match between Led Zeppelin, The Who, and The Rolling Stones: I'm glad you enlisted my help for this one---there is no field I have devoted more lifetime study to than pro wrestling and Rock 'n' Roll, (with the possible exception of tequila.) Anyway, if you know your history, the answer to the cage match question is obvious. But for those not quite as "in tune"
Heather
Dear Heather,Sometimes I have a hard time paying attention to the things my friends talk about. Some say I'm not a good listener, but I just think what they have to say is not as interesting as what is going on in my own head. Can you tell me a good way to make them think I am listening to them when I am really not without getting called on it?
Thanks! Ginny, 21, Edmond, OK Hey Ginny - Make like a bobble head doll - just nod and smile out of the side of your mouth. Use any one of the following time-honored phrases whenever you sense a pause in the conversation: "right," "umm hmmm," "no way," "that's crazy," and "so how'd you leave it?" Whatever you do, don't sit there going like this. Because that's a dead giveaway. Keep it fresh,
heather
Hey Heather,Hope all is going well. I have a random question for you on Mets Trivia. Any idea what Mackey Sasser is up to these days? He was hands down the most random Met to ever play in Shea Stadium!
Later on,
Dexter, 25, District Thirteen Hey Dex:
Thanks for reminding me about Mackey Sasser. Having the one of the best baseball names ever, he played for the Mets from 1988-1992 as Gary Carter's left-handed back-up catcher, a first-class first-ball hitter who almost never took a walk. Sadly, his career was cut short because he could not throw the ball back to the pitcher for the life of him. And throwing the ball back to the pitcher is a pretty big part of a catcher's job. He had an alleged phobia of runners stealing bases, which led him to take the "double pump" to a whole new level - usually it was more like quintuple and sextuple pumps before Mackey could bring himself to actually throw the ball. It got to the point that he tried rolling the ball along the grass back to the pitcher's mound. It seems our Mackey was a little bit screwy en la cabeza - I've even heard him called a "fruitshake." Obviously, the Mets could only take so much of this, and they sent Mackey packing to the Seattle Mariners, where he spent a couple of years as a DH/Outfielder. Today, as you can see in the link, Mackey Sasser is a Governor in Alabama - he's the men's baseball coach at his alma mater, Wallace Community College, whose teams are called the Governors. The mighty, mighty Governors. (They're not to be confused with the All Mighty Senators, who, we all agree, put the "funk" in funktastic). Mackey and his family live in a beautiful house in Wicksburg, Alabama, undoubtedly enjoying the pension from his 12 slightly psycho years in the big leagues. Keep it fresh,
Heather
Dear Heather,Who do you think would be a better kisser -- Jason Mraz or Jack Johnson? My friends and I have been discussing this for quite some time now.
Thanks,
Emily from Vancouver Hey Emily - I referred your extremely provocative question to a Board Certified Kissing Bandit - John's sister Anne. Here's Anne's take on the whole situation: Well, all I can say is I had a hell of a time pondering who would be a better kisser. After much consideration (not that I minded considering this, or reconsidering it, or thinking about it yet again) I decided that while Jack Johnson's tender nature and appealing soft- spoken demeanor would be very sensuous in all things love-related, Jason Mraz's spunkier style appeals more to my sense of excitement, and therefore wins out in my book. However, this is a tricky question to answer without angering different parties. I mean, while I judge a kiss to be excellent based on the friskiness generated and the overall amount of fun being had, there are certainly other ladies out there who would much enjoy the gentle, give and take kissing style I would be more inclined to associate with Jack Johnson. Keep in mind that these kissing styles are completely the creation of my sometimes overactive imagination, and as lovely as they were to create, they have no basis on what these fine specimens do with or without their tongues in reality. Sadly, they are as of yet unconquered territory.
Hugs and, more importantly, kisses,
Anne "Makeout Queen" Foster-Keddie Thank you Anne, for answering, and Emily, for asking. And thank you Jack and Jason, for being. You all keep it fresh,
heather
'sup?I've had the lyrics 'you make love, you break love, it's all the same' floating around my head for the last couple of weeks and I'll be damned if I can remember the name of the tune. It's really starting to do my nut, can you not help me?
Yours sincerely, Andover Al Hey Al - That's a line from the Jimi Hendrix song "Manic Depression," otherwise known as track two off his Are You Experienced? album. In related news, it looks like old Jimi's estate has gotten a little lax with its licensing. Keep it fresh,
Heather
Dear Heather,How are the seasoning packets that are included in Top Ramen manufactured?
Yours Freshly, Lesley Hey Lesley - In order to properly answer your question, I had to go to the Ramen Noodle Museum in Yokohama, Japan. I learned that Japan is a country filled with ramen, ramen, and more ramen. The Museum is really more than a museum - it's been likened to a historical theme park and a hyper-specialized restaurant mall. As you'd expect, it stays open late to accommodate the hordes of hungry laser light show-goers that pour out of Yokohama Arena each night. As for the seasoning packets, they are made in sweatshops. Keep it fresh,
Heather
The following is a direct transcript of a recent vintage vantage customer service experience:
Dear Model James:
How do u define back collar to hem? I'm a college idiot and don't know what the hell the back of my collar (bone?) or hem (I only know that as a pants fixing term) are. Please help.
Thanks,
Matt Jaquith hey matt-
back collar is the very top of the shirt in the back, where the head goes through the hole in the shirt... hem is just the bottom of the shirt...so it's just top to bottom pretty much... hit me back if you have any other questions or whateva.... really it's ok, it's just one of those things...I didn't know the correct order of the months until recently... some things just aren't as important as others... keep it fresh,
james
Hey Heather,Ok, so I'm sitting in Confirmation, the choir was singing, and the congregation was chanting in unison. As you can tell, this was a good time for deep thought. So anyways, I was sitting there, and I realized that I didn't know anything about the history of the highlighter. When were highlighters invented and who invented them? I did some research on this topic, but neither Google nor Yahoo! was able to quench my thirst for answers to these questions. Can you tell me? Thanks.
-Robin, Cali-for-ni-a Hey Christian Soldier - A highlighter is a fiber-tip marking pen which overlays a printed word with a transparent color leaving it legible and emphasized. In 1962, the modern fiber-tip pen was invented in Japan by Yukio Horie of the Tokyo Stationery Company. Highlighters and fine-line markers were first available in stores in the 1970's. Avery Dennison Corp. trademarked the name Hi-Literฎ in the early 90's. Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heaths,My question to you is this: I have a lot of weddings to go to this year, and I'm looking for a memorable gift that's not gonna break my college student bank. I have many different friends with different tastes, and I was wondering if there is a safe gift (besides cash) that will showcase my crazy-mad thoughtfulness.
Please Help Me!
John "The Gools" Goolsby Hey Family Gools - I have two suggestions for you, and both of them together would cost you about $40. While it would be spectacular if you gave the happy couple BOTH of them, if it means that you'll exist on Ramen Noodles and store-brand tuna for too long, just one would certainly be enough. 1. They need a Santa Fe Quesadilla Maker. You throw whatever you want in between a couple of tortillas, close the lid, and 2 minutes later you have a delicious um thing to eat, not necessarily a quesadilla, per se. You can get one at a bunch of places online or at any department store or Target. 2. They need an Indian Bad Habits Poster. Obviously. Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather,Do you think the elephant is stronger than the hippopotamus?
Alexkid, 24, France Hey Alexenfant -
Thanks to my mid-80's experience at Lion Country Safari, I can tell you that, oui oui, le elephant is in fact stronger than le hippopotamus. An elephant can carry four people. A hippopotamus only can swallow two people. So the elephant wins. Keep it frais,
heather
Dear Heather,One of my friends sent me a link of an absolutely hilarious video. Something about Mr. T riding in a mini-van singing about how he wanted to be a hippie and get stoned. Hysterical, I know. So today I wanted to watch it again, but I can't find it!! Can you help me out?
Thanks,
Rachel, B.S. North Carolina Hey Rachel -
Looks like I found it. Just click either the Windows or Mac link at the bottom to download. Keep it fresh,
heather
Yo Heath, I just want to know what to name my new fish I recently got. It is a bubble eyed gold fish and he cracks me up every time I look at him. He has big ol' bag lookin' things coverin his eyes. I thought he had a disease until I found out it was for real yo. Anyways, as the winds blows, I still don't have name for my ol' fish meister here. So do me a fav and help. Thanks a bunch and a half!
~Rach Dawg Hey Rachel (who suspiciously emails under the name "Neal Cody") - While it's a lot easier for me to name things when you send a picture of the thing, I'll do my best to imagine what your bubble-covered-eyed fish looks like and suggest you name him Pamela Lee Anderfish. Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather, Which is girlier to watch: Real World/Road Rules Challenge, or Dawson's Creek?
- Brian Hey Brian -
Val, our local TV-ologist, tells me that Dawson's Creek easily beats the manly pants off of RWRRC as far as being girly goes. To support her conclusion, she offers the following quotes from the Dawson's Creek Website:
DAWSON: I'm talking about the romantic apotheosis. My first kiss with Jen is going to be just like that.
JOEY: WHOAH. Wait a minute. Are we back to that? You mean, you haven't kissed that girl?
DAWSON: It's not about the kiss, Joey. It's about the journey. It's about creating and sustaining magic.
JOEY: Does Jen fall for this warped movie logic?
DAWSON: It's not warped. It's romance. And then of course there's this one:
DAWSON: Were you really going to slip out of here without so much as a goodbye?
GRETCHEN: I was thinking about it, yeah. Maybe.
DAWSON: Oh. In that case, let's pretend I never stopped by --
GRETCHEN: -- Or maybe I've been thinking about how to say goodbye to you all week. Maybe I've been thinking about how to make those words come out of my mouth every second of the day since I made the decision to leave. Maybe saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Now, from the RWRRC (The Inferno), comes this quote:
TIMMY: After 3 laps, Katie started coughing up worms, cornmeal and Marlboro milds. It looks pretty open-and-shut to me - Dawson's Creek is girlier to watch than Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather, I met a girl recently and she's absolutely driving me crazy (I think I'm in love with her). My problem is that we're really only acquaintances. And that scares me, because I've never been so overtaken by someone I knew so little about. Is it possible for me to love someone I don't even know? I guess my question is "do you believe in love at first sight?"
Your unique insights would be highly appreciated,
Jason, 23, Oklahoma City Hey Jason -
Of course I believe in love at first sight! Who doesn't believe in love at first sight? It's when you believe in love at thirteenth sight and twenty-six hundred seventy-fifth sight and love at eighty-two thousand four hundred twelfth sight that you're onto something. Go get her, tiger. Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather,Wait a minute a good looking chick that knows about the 86 Mets? Too good to be true? I have no question, just amazed by the facts.
Later Sugar,
Miami Mike (well really NJ Mike who just moved to Miami) Hey Mike - I swear to burritos it's true. When I was 9, I begged for a dog. I got a rabbit. Determined to make lemonade from those lemons, I named him Fluffy Dykstra Knight - in honor of Nails and "thank the good lord" Ray. This was the greatest day of my life. Doing the Teufel Shuffle till I die,
heather
Hey Heather,I was just wondering what lucky lady Reece ended up going to his sister's wedding with.
- Elisabeth from the Good Ole Heart of Dixie Hey Elisabeth (and all you other people who've been clamoring to know)- I have a Reece update for you, from the man himself: "Well, about two weeks after I proposed my question to you, Heather, I had still not received any emails from prospective dates. So, I decided to go back to the drawing board with the flower-girl, Emma. We decided that I should just ask one of my good friends, Erin, because she is a very pretty girl and I could use the attention that she draws. So that's what I did, and we had a great time.
But I would like everyone to know, though, that I am still single. So, if you know of any lonesome girl that needs a good, wholesome man in her life, send her my way! Thanks. Reece Thanks for the question, Elisabeth, and thanks for the reply, Reece. Ladies, (this includes you, Elisabeth from Dixie) you may continue your emailing now. Everybody keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather, I cannot seem to beat anybody in darts. What are some key techniques I can practice to make myself better?
Sincerely, Brian Kopy, Parkville, MO Hey Kopycat --
I took your question to the experts, Bill and Dan and Liam. Bill and Dan each have their own set of darts. Liam was all-county tennis her senior year. First, we'll hear from Bill: 1. Before throwing your darts, toe the line with your right foot (if you're throwing righty - reverse it if you are a southpaw) and lean over as far as you can. Raise the non-pointy end of the dart, called the flight, to your forehead while grasping the dart between your index finger, middle finger (sometimes referred to as "tall man"), and thumb. Release the dart by extending your forearm toward the board and using your elbow as a hinge. You might want to consider flicking your wrist while releasing. 2. Gain between 20 and 50 pounds. In my experience, the best dart players are chubby. 3. Get really drunk. Tip #3 often goes in line with tip #2, and you can use #3 to help you accomplish #2. A recent study by real scientists found that by getting sloshed reduces any nervousness you may bring to the board, steadies your hand, and impairs your hand/eye coordination. Watch out, however, as drunken dart players have been known to throw erratically and at places that are not the board. 4. You can also use some dart slang so you'll sound like you know what you're talking about. Never say "bull's-eye" - real dart players refer to the green ring in the center as "bull" and the red middle as "double bull." You may also call the entire bull's-eye section "cork." If you mistakenly hit a shot that you didn't mean to hit, say that you "splashed." If a friend has a nice round, just say, "Nice darts." If you use all the tips above, you should be throwing like, talking like, and having heart attacks like a world-class dart player in no time. Thanks, Bill! And now, some tips from Dan and Liam: 1. Drink heavily and get yourself a good partner. (This tip has usefulness beyond the world of darts). Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather, Knowing your love of animals, and especially dogs, I was wondering what's the record for the world's largest doggie nipples? I understand there are probably two sub-categories, pre-puppies nipples and post-puppies nipples.
Your friend, Tom, 25, Jersey Hey Tom -
Funny you should ask! It just so happens that we had both of the winners of the 2004 World's Largest Dog Nippies Contest here at Camp Cool last weekend. And you're right, in the interest of fairness, there are two separate categories -one for the bitches who have had a litter (littered bitches), the other for the bitches who have not (unlittered bitches). This year's winners are Breo Storer (unlittered bitch) and Grace Haley (littered bitch). I'm sure we'll all agree that those bitches really did deserve to win. Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather-I'll be moving to Miami in a few months to go to law school. I'm excited about the el Caminos, Cuban coffee and warm weather, but I'm terrified of the mini skirts and collagen. How do I find a super fresh roommate? What kind of questions can I ask potential rommies to be sure I'm living the "high life" and not "la vida loca"? I know you went to law school yourself so your advice would be much appreciated.
-- Ali, 25, Washington DC Hey Ali -
First, let me open the floor to any Vintage Vantage Miami-ites to contact you if they're looking for a roommate. As for questions to ask, I'd ask the following: 1. Do you often cook with curry? ("No" is the right answer here).
2. Do you have any dangerous pets? (Again, you're looking for a "no"). One more thing - just because I went to law school doesn't mean I'm a good advice-giver. This guy, for instance, also went to law school, but you probably shouldn't trust him. Send him boxes of cat fur - yes. But trust him - nah. Keep it fresh,
heather
Hey heather,I've got a question that's been bugging me for a few minutes now.....Here it goes- What's the name of that movie where a boy falls in a ditch or something and hits his head and when he wakes up and goes home he finds his family doesn't live there anymore? It's from like the 80's I think.
Thanks a bunch,
Tyler-Auburn Hey Tyler -
I think the movie you're talking about is called "The Flight of the Navigator." I watched it once in fourth grade, and I can only remember two things from it - the spaceship said "comp-li-ance" instead of "yes," and it featured The Beach Boys' song "I Get Around." The main reason that those are the only things I remember from the movie is that I was more concerned with the big crush I had on Kevin Doyle, one of the boys that was watching it with me. Hope this helps. Keep it fresh,
heather
Heather~Where are the answers to the Jody Steinglass Faceless Movie Spreadsheet Game? I got so many and I just need closure on the ones that I have failed on. Thanks, Lindsay P. Larson Hey Lindsay -
I hate not knowing, too. Here you go. Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather,Can you hook me up with Jimmy's buddy who passes out a lot? He looks pretty damn hot.
-- Kelly, early twenties, San Diego Hey Kelly -
Yes, yes, yes. The answer is yes. His name is Wills, and he's slated to be one of the very next "Get Fresh With " 's. But if you don't want to wait for that international competition, you can get your e-flirt on with him right now. Maybe he'll invite you over for a couple of quick beers and some Connect Four. Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather, My faithful dog Finn is about to turn five. I want to do something special for his birthday this year, instead of the regular old nothing that I've done for his first four birthdays. I don't have a lot of time or money to put into this, I just want to make the little guy happy for a day. Any ideas?
-- Andrew, 26, Charlotte Hey Andrew -
It seems to me that a fiestita for Finn is in order. We had a lovely celebration here at Camp Cool last summer when Holden turned 5. Here's what you gotta do to give your domesticated wolf a birthday he'll remember: 1. Get some party hats and put one on your dog. 2. Get some party kazoos and stick the end of one in a jar of peanut butter so your dog will gnaw on it, which is as close as he can get to actually kazooing. 3. Cook a hamburger for him, frost it with bar-b-cue sauce. 4. Get two sets of candles - one for his age in dog years and one for his age in people years. 5. Take out the candles and let him go, go, gone. And remember, the more pictures you take of your pet looking like a goofball, the happier he will be. Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear heather:I recently got a Friendster friend request from Randy, this kid I used to know in college. The thing is, he didn't send any sort of email or anything... my question: whose court is the ball in? Do I have to write an email asking him how he's doing? Or should he contact me? On a related note, is Vintage Vantage on Friendster?
Unsurely,
Mike
Milwaukee, WI Hey Mike -
The ball's in Randy's court. While attempting to add you to his list of friends is a nice gesture, it's not the equivalent of a real email from Randy. You may approve his Friendster request, broadcasting to all the world that you are in fact Randy's friend, without calling or emailing him. Or feel free to ignore his request, because it's just a little creepy to send a Friendster friend request somebody you don't know that well unless you send an email to say what's up before or afterwards. It's kind of like an unexpected cyber-slap out of nowhere. On a related note, Vintage Vantage is on Friendster. It's the user with the first name: Vintage Vantage and last name, also: Vintage Vantage. Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather,I have just been diagnosed with acute asthma, and I'm afraid it won't make me cool anymore, is there anyway to make my shortness of breath cool and sexy? And what about my inhaler? - Traci Hey Traci -
You must be joking about asthma making you uncool. Sure, maybe "sucks to your ass-mar" Piggy gave it a bad name, but ever since Mikey Walsh and his ever-present inhaler dodged the Fratelli Brothers, found treasure, and saved their town, asthma has been extremely cool. As for the inhaler itself, you can always slap a cool sticker on there and voila! - you're accessorizing. Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather -My buddy keeps passing out on my couch. I also just got a new camcorder for Arbor Day. Can you help me?
Jimmy, early twenties, San Diego Hey Jimmy -
Why don't you try to do something like this? You'll be creating memories to last a lifetime.
Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather,I am studying for finals right now Any advice on how to study for them? (or fun things to do to avoid studying for them?)
Angela, 21, Edmond, OK Hey Angela -
During exams, it's always a good idea to get together with a few people from your class, put on togas, and act out your notes, like so. With all the time you'll save, you'll have plenty of time to play either penguin baseball or the Jody Steinglass Faceless Movie Spreadsheet Game. Good luck and as always Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather,I need help quick! I've been a waiter at Crapplebee's for the past few months. I am supposed to work this Friday night from 5-close (usually around 1 a.m.), but my brother just gave me two tickets to the ALO show. I've called in sick twice in the past two weeks with flagrant lies (once I said I had a migraine, the other time I said my car died and I was stuck 100 miles away at my mom's house). My manager is a short bitter man, and I think he'll fire me if I call in sick again this week, which sucks because I really need the money. But I REALLY need to go to the ALO show. Can you call him and tell him I'm really sick or something for me? - Anil, 25, San Francisco Hey Anil-
I won't call your mean little manager, I'll do one better. I'll give you a foolproof way to get out of work every time you need to. The trick is PINKEYE. You need to get a cheap red lip liner pencil and some Vaseline from the drugstore. Just rim your eye with the lip liner, and drive to work like usual, rubbing your eye the whole way, trying to get it a little bloodshot. Before you get out of your car, reapply lip liner, focusing on the corner near your nose, and smear a little Vaseline on your lid and lashes and underneath. It should look something like this. Go into the restaurant itching your eye. Get face to face with Mr. Big Stuff and say: "Man, is there something wrong with my eye? It itches like hell, and when I woke up this morning it was crusted over, I couldn't open it. Do you see anything in there?" He'll take one look at your oozing red eye and send you home, opening the door for you, demanding you not come back until you're not contagious. The bottom line is that nobody argues with pinkeye. Enjoy the show. Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather;Define the universe and give three examples. Please be concise.
And....begin!
Thanks,
Scott, 27ish, Indy by way of Wrong Island Hey Professor Montgomery
The universe is the place where every noun that has ever existed has existed. Three examples are: 1) the incredibly delicious (but unfairly discontinued) Yo-zels; 2) watching the clean team speed cleaning dvd for fun; and 3) deviled eggs. keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather,I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geiko - your thoughts... Please answer in the form of a question. - Andrew, 26 Myrtle Beach, SC Hey Andrew -
If I were to tell you to spend all the money you're saving on a dog-hugging monkey, would you do it? Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather (sigh),How would one learn to sleep with one eye open?
Thanks,
Will Hey Will -
One would learn to sleep with a toothpick propping one's eye open. Be careful, though. Keep it fresh,
Heather
Dear Heather,What happens when we die?
Van, 53, LA Hey Van-
First off, everything fades to black. After that, it depends. If you are buried, you're put in a box and the box is put under the ground. If you're cremated, you're flamb้ed into ashes and either put in an urn on somebody's mantel or scattered around someplace that living people think that you liked a lot. So I advise you to enjoy this living thing while you can, because the future's lookin a little grim. Keep it fresh,
Heather
Dear Heather,
I'm trying to integrate a superexponential function in a convex domain, but I have a free boundary problem. What can I do? - Virginia Boeing Small Hey Ginny -
Free boundary problems can usually be fixed by putting up fences or making the superexponential functions wear electric collars. But those are the negative reinforcement solutions. It's much easier if you make your convex domain a happy, peaceful, interesting place to live, and then maybe your superexponential function won't want to test the free boundaries at all. Keep it fresh,
heather
The following is an actual transcript of emails between me (Ask Heather) and Reece, 20, South Carolina:
Hey Heather,I need a date for my sister's wedding in May, but I haven't had very much luck finding one. Any tips? Reece, 20, South Carolina
Hello Reece -
I'm working on getting you a date for your sister's wedding. I sent an email to about 10 of my closest guy friends asking if they'd be up for going becoming Reece, 20, South Carolina's VV sponsored date for her sister's wedding. Just wondering if I could get a couple of details about the event?
1. Where is the wedding?
2. When is the wedding? (date and time)
3. What does the guy have to wear?
4. Will there be a bar?
5. One of them (my brother, Chris) would like to see a picture before he commits to being a date. Here's a picture of him, for reference. PICTURE OF CHRIS. (if you don't want to send one, no sweat)
THANKS!
heather
Oh. I guess I didn't make you that aware that I was a guy. So actually I need a girl.... Sorry for that small bit of information that was left unknown. As for the questions:
1. the wedding is Anderson, South Carolina at Boulevard Baptist Church.
2. Its May 22.
3. The girl has to wear something nice, something fresh.
4. Yes, there will be lots and lots of drinky.
5. A pic of me is attached. Thanks for your help!
Reece "the guy"?
So now it's up to you, girls of the VVIP lounge. Fight it out amongst yourselves to see who's gonna get fresh with Reece at his sister's wedding in May. You may begin your emailing now. Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather,Now, I know that we've been hearing a whole lot lately about our wondrous expedition to Mars, only to find out the obvious...It's Mars. But seriously Heather what's the deal with our never ending fascination with a planet that, no matter how hard we try, we'll never be able to build our accommodations on, much less figure out if there ever really was or will be life on Mars, which by the way, a small parasite isn't life in my book. Anyways...Mars who cares?
Livin' Out Loud, A Concerned Citizen of Earth Hey Tony -
Nobody puts it better than the backseat kid in the Super Troopers opening scene when he says, "Candybaaaarrrs." We are fascinated with Mars the planet because of the Mars the Bar. Creamy caramel and nougat. Nougat is to perfect as yes is to yes. I hope this helps. Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather,What did you get in the Shuttle Run?
-- TODD MARRONE, Artist Extraordinaire
http://www.toddmarrone.com/
"He's the Johnny Appleseed of the Art world!" -Dot Enorram, Art Critic Hey TODD,
As far as I can recall my shuttle run score usually hovered in the low 10's. I think I may have broken on through to 9.9 once, it may have been as high as 10.4 in the early years as I fought to overcome my pigeon toed-ness. All in all, I'd say it was around 10.1. Nice shameless act of self promotion, good thing I dig your art, I 'specially like Family #3. And the fact that this quote is on your site: "Unless there's a medicinal benefit that I'm not aware of, women should not wear necklaces on the outside of their turtlenecks. I'm just saying." Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather,Is it appropriate to give just the flag pole, not the flag itself, as a Flag Day present?
Sincerely,
Patriotic in Powell Ohio Hey Panda,
Of course it is appropriate to give flag poles, along with any number of other flag accessories as a Flag Day present! June 14 is Flag Day, so you still have a few months to get creative with your presents. How about a gift membership to The National Flag Day Foundation? A pole ornament? A gilded flag stand? We need to remember that Flag Day is about the flag, the whole flag, and all the parts of the flag. Without flag accessories, the flag would be on the ground, and (aside from being a US felony) a flag on the ground is a sad flag indeed. Keep it fresh,
heather
Hi Heater, I just can't seem to figure out what movie Burt Reynolds was best in, Cannonball Run or Smokey and the Bandit. Knowing this would truly make me the cool guy in the bar.
Thanks,
Adam, Greenville, Texas Hey Adam -
I hope you don't mind, but I went to an expert (Quissy, a highly-regarded Ask Heather consultant) to help me with your question. So here's your short answer - Burt's better performance came in Smokey and the Bandit. But Cannonball Run was the better movie. Both movies use a can't-miss formula for box office success: hot chicks in skimpy getups, fast cars and cop chases. Simply put: the cast of other characters in Cannonball Run would have supported Emmanuel Lewis in the lead role. (Picture lil' Webster on a stack of phonebooks hauling ass across the dusty desert in a pimped out Trans Am, a pair of chaps and a ten gallon hat.) Smokey's had Sally Field, Cannonball Run had Farrah Fawcett. No contest. Burt carried Smokey and the Bandit. The cast carried Cannonball Run. Keep it fresh,
Heather
Dear Heather, I hate all of the words that are used to describe undergarments. Underpants is so "child molester." Panties is so "two bit ho." Underwear is so sterile. I like the Spanish word "chones" but nobody knows what I'm talking about, and I'm not even sure how to pronounce it. Do you know any other English words I can use instead of these?
-- Christian, 23, Fort Collins, CO Hey Christian --
I have just the word for you - PANTSIES. It is descriptive without being too cute, too smarmy or too scientific. We've been using it here at Camp Cool for the past couple of months, and the crowd seems to love it. Keep it fresh,
heather
dear heather,I'm seeking your expert advice on a very touchy subject. Why do people find sideways trucker hats stylish? If the new trend is to walk around trying to look like ashton kutcher then hopefully I'm the one who is being punk'd because that has to be the stupidest looking fad ever! not only that, but the people who wear them probably bought them at abercrombie & fitch and paid 50$ for it, just because it said something sexually suggestive on it like "Eat at Dick's" or something like that, anyway thanks for your time. p.s. if you could also address the problem of those damn stickers they put on apples that would be great.
thanks,
Drew, 16, Olympia Hey Drew -
Now that's a great couple of questions. People who wear sideways trucker hats are wearing them to hide their impetigo. They wear them to cover up the sores all over their heads. They wear them sideways because that's how toddlers wear them. As for the apple stickers, I'm pretty sure the only reason they exist is to give you something to stick on your mom's dresser. She'll love it. Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather, I haven't heard anything in the news lately about cutting up 6-pack rings to save the snouts of seals and dolphins. Should I keep doing it, or is it a waste of my time?
-- Emily, 16, Olympia Hey Emily,
Definitely keep cutting those 6-pack rings. I'm sure you've seen how they can turn into cinch belts of death for fish, effectively making the fish saw itself into two pieces as it gets bigger. What you may not know is that they can also turn into muzzles for dogs. At the beach last summer, I thought Holden was just frolicking in the waves, but he was really having a panic attack trying to rid his snout of some of those uncut plastic rings. If a roving safetyman hadn't rushed to our house to help him out, it would have been "adios puppy biscuits, hola kibble shakes through a straw" for our Holdielocks. On a related note, be careful when you're doing laundry, as tube socks can get stuck on your pet's snout too. Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather,I just got a new car. Here's a picture of it. I'd like to name it, but all I can come up with is "Bessie," which is like the most overused car name of all time. Can you help?
-- Simon, 28, Orlando Hey Simon --
I suggest naming your new car "Mittens." Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather, My dog LOVES popcorn! Every time I'm sitting on the couch eating it from a basket, he sits in front of me, just hoping that I'll drop some on the floor. I hate yelling at him for it, because I LOVE popcorn myself, and I can understand where he's coming from, but I'm sick of not being able to watch Judge Judy in peace, because I'm too worried about how sad I'm making the dog by depriving him of the popcorn. I'm at the end of my rope here, please help!
- Joyce, 51, Long Island Hey Joyce --
I think I have a trick that will help you out. While the dog is watching you, take the basket and carefully balance it on top of your head. The dog will think it is a hat and quickly lose interest. You can keep enjoying your popcorn by carefully grabbing fistfuls from your new "hat." I emphasize the word "careful" because I've seen this trick go terribly, terribly wrong - one careless move and you'll find yourself buried in a popcornalanche, to the delight of the dog. Good luck, and as always? Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather,I just moved into a new place that has a dining room. I'm a normal person, so I have no dining room furniture. I don't even own a fancy plate, never mind many fancy plates that would necessitate an entire china cabinet. Any suggestions on what I can put in the room?
-- Susan, 27, NYC Hey Susan -
Ping pong table. Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather,I'm trying to connect to the "talk" thing on AIM, without much luck. Any tips?
-- Juan, 25, San Diego Hey John -
What you need to do is get a microphone for your computer. Just yelling out: "HELLO! HI! HELLO? hello? hello?" without having a microphone won't work. Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather,I just found a dog in the street and my mom said I can keep it. I need to give it a name. Whaddya think?
- Andy, 19, Moorpark Hey Andy -
After seeing the picture of the dog, I think you should name it "Punt-me," pronounced with the "unt-me." Keep it fresh,
heather
Dear Heather,I'm always trying to pinch pennies, and I was thinking that if I saved all my soap remnants and put them in the microwave, they'd melt together and I could form a new bar of soap out of them. I guess what I'm asking is this -- what happens when you microwave soap?
- Sol, 56, Chicago Hey Sol -
What happens is called soap puffs. While it's completely normal to be tempted to save your used soap, put it in a bowl, and microwave it for a minute, hoping that it'll form a Voltron-like SuperSoap, I don't recommend it. As the radiated soap expands freakishly to form soap puffs, it emits pungent fumes. Consequently, your Hot Pockets will taste like Zest - the soap puff smell simply overpowers those high-tech crisping sleeves. If this letter doesn't reach you in time (or you just HAVE to try soap puffing yourself) and your microwave smells gag-me-shower-fresh, cooking some bacon in the offended machine should neutralize the soap puffery. Keep it fresh,
heather
Heather:I've got a question. My cell phone has stopped ringing for some reason and now just buzzes and vibrates at me. What's going on?
Signed,
PerplexedKevin from Spokane Hey Kevin -
Let me start off by saying that I'm no electronics expert. But it sounds to me like your celephone might have a bug in it. Depending on the intensity of the buzzing and vibrating, I'd say you could have anything from a house fly to a mud dauber wasp. Here's a true story to illustrate the problem - I was 10 years old sitting on my family room floor watching TV. Suddenly I felt as if I had been "shocked by an alien on my leg," (what I told my mom as it was happening). Turns out that a honeybee had crawled up my Bermudas, BUZZED loudly while its wings VIBRATED. And it did NOT RING. But it did STING me. So, I'm familiar with the type of buzz/vibrate/not ring situation that you're asking about. The bug in your phone is still alive and may be waiting for the perfect time to sting you. So, my advice is that you spray some Raid wasp and bee spray on your phone; wait a few minutes; and test it. If the bug is still alive (your phone still buzzes and vibrates and doesn't ring), that means that the bug inside is indestructible, your weapons are useless against it. I'd say to throw out your phone and get a new one. If your phone is suddenly dead (won't even turn on), that means that the bug had infested too much of your phone and when you killed the bug, you also killed your phone. This happens with big bugs such as hummingbirds. Here again, I'd say, to throw out your phone and get a new one. If, however, your phone starts ringing like it's supposed to, without all that pesky buzzing and vibrating, you've successfully killed the bug and your phone is back to normal. Thanks for the excellent and perplexing question. Keep it fresh,
heather