Dear Heather, My kickball team has just suffered our second devastating loss. I was wondering if you had any ideas on how to rally the troops and get us ready for our next big game... to lift our spirits and bring back the big feet and fast hands we are known for? Also, do you by chance know of any other good looking, clever, entrepreneurial types (como su hermano) with whom I could strike up an email romance, leading to a successful superfun business? My brother requires that he be a sports fan and nice. If he could catch a popped up kickball, I'd be happy. Thanks, Lady Kix-a-lot James Haley's Kitshickers Hey Lady K – Maybe your kickball team should randomly assign one game of your season to be “Homecoming” - with as many of the following as you can swing: -a float assembly party -a float -rice kicky balls -running with a piece of paper -antlers -a Homecoming Dance (with a theme) -a Homecoming King and Queen -99 luft kickballoons Your kickball cheerleaders and coach, of course, should be included in all these activities, and you should probably post flyers in the dugout a week or two beforehand, so the other teams will have some notice. I think a good Homecoming is all your kickball team needs to get on the road to ultimate glory. As for your second question, now that you mention it, I DO know of a good looking, clever, entrepreneurial type (como mi hermano) that you’d get along with kickingly. And you know he can catch a pop-up. Kick it fresh, Skippy Dear Heather, this weekend I may attend a "celebrity" party in which everyone is supposed to dress as a ...you guessed it....celebrity. Now sure many have said "Oh David, you could pass for Brad Pitt" or "You are a dead ringer for Tom Cruise" but I would like to branch out from that. My question for you is what would be the BEST washed up, has been, B-List, celebrity that people would recognize? I has to be someone almost Guttenburgian. Please respond, these are trying times... DKG Hey David - How about Andrew McCarthy from around his "Weekend at Bernies" days? That's about as washed-up and recognizable as I can fathom, and it seems pretty easy to assemble. If you're worried people won't know who you are, it might be a good idea to bring a hat-wearing mannequin. Keep it fresh, Heather Heather, how does it feel to have the same name as those sweet sweatshirts from the 80's? I love heathered sweatshirts. If someone were to say a sweatshirt was "heathered", what would be the first image to pop into your head? IE; if someone told me a shirt was "emily'd" I'd think of the image I have attached. Oh, and tell Matty the Man from the Hoosier state to hit me up in Bloomington! Keep on rockin in the free world. (freshly)-em Hey Emily - I have to confess that when someone says a sweatshirt is heathered, this is the first image to pop into my head. The second would probably be something like this, then I'd probably think about how it's the same as my name and feel all warm inside. Hope this helps. Keep it fresh, Heather Hey there Heather, I've been wondering, how do you get one of those nifty cool vintage vantage sticker deals? If I knew, I would do anything in my power to obtain one. When and if I get one, I would put it on my car, for it is yearning for some freshness. Thanks a bunch! -steph AKA dorothy Hey steph AKA Dorothy, All you needs to do is send an email to Model James and tell him very nicely where to send your sticker. Put it on your car and send me a photo. When and if I get it, I would put it on my "a tribe called fresh" page, for it is also yearning for some freshness. Ask and ye shall receive. Keep it fresh, Heather Dear Heather, You boldly wrote in my yearbook in 1993 "...you are the BEST! You are so easy to get along with and the way you make me laugh makes me comfortable around you all the time. We had some fun things happen in study hall until you would make us all laugh so hard Mr. McDonough kicked you to a new table. I'll never forget all the fun times we had at lacrosse practice, when you made me steal that damn ONE-WAY sign, how you found a 4 leaf clover every day, how you threw dog crap at Beth's head, how you drew nasty pics of me in notes to Geoff." In your PS you thanked me for helping you with your welt in Josh's bathroom. I am just curious if your word is good, and asking if you truly have NEVER forgotten these things? Also, how often do you think about the one-way sign? You're awesome and I am getting so many shirts now that I have found the website! Nice insight with the whole Paltrow/ Stefani debate..smartypants. Being awesome in NYC, Jean Burger #11 Whitman Varsity Womens Lacrosse, co-captain Hey Jean - I'm not sure if I forgot them or not, because your email reminded me and I definitely can say that I remember them now! And I'd also say that answering this "Ask Heather" question about them pretty much guarantees that, thanks to you, I really will NEVER forget any of them - how you made me steal that damn ONE-WAY sign, how you found a 4 leaf clover every day, how you threw dog crap at Beth's head, how you drew nasty pics of me in notes to Geoff - or about how you helped me with my "welt" in Josh's bathroom - though I can't remember how I got that welt. Oh wait - I do remember. It was from my best friend's brother. If they had a Fresh Hall of Fame, you'd be inducted the first year. Keep it fresh, Heather #14 Whitman Varsity Womens Lacrosse, "Team Spirit Award" winner, despite hiding behind dumpsters in the parking lot during long distance team runs Hey heather- I was laughing, when my sister commented that my nostrils were flaring quite a bit, and I was just wondering if this would increase my nostril size. - Annie Hey Annie - I did some very scientific tests involving pictures of the first person who came to mind, and I've concluded that laughing doesn't increase your nostril size at all, it just causes it to be stretched into a different shape. Keep it fresh, heather Hi there Heather- You seem to be quite the fountain of knowledge, so I come to you with this, la ultima pregunta. Our school has a Sadie Hawkins dance every year, and the theme this year is "the 70s". Yes indeed, the freshness never ends. And why should it? The REAL question is, though, what do I wear? This is not like a standard high school dance/ PROMenade (in case you’re not familiar). This is more of a costumey dance. For example- last year, my friends and I were the gang from recess. So that may tell you that sex appeal is not a factor here. Creativity and outrageousness is more important. Brainstorms are greatly appreciated. Much thanks! -Elena (of the great state of Wisconsin) Hey Elena - You say the theme is "the 70's," but that doesn't necessarily mean the 1970's does it? Why don't you go as yourselves in your 70's, aged 70-80? You'd have endless costume choices, such as the ones worn by these septuagenarians: vests and gold keds, sequined sarongs, old South outfits, or windpants and fronty-fanny packs. Another idea is to go as if it's the 2070's, in some tricked out spacey Jetsons-esque wear - like these people. Thanks for the question, and whatever you do... keep it fresh, Heather To the Heather, Rumor has it that you are the oracle of Camp Cool and seeing as it's the coolest thing since latrines, I thought you may be able to riddle me this. "Keep it fresh, heather" must have some hidden meaning, and no matter how inebriated I get I cannot solve the cypher. What is the true meaning of "Camp Cool" and "Keep it fresh, heather"? Ciao Ciao Bella -Vance (SD native ... Mich. is cold .. brrrrrrrr!) Hey Vance - How to define "keep it fresh, heather"? I guess it means to stay ahead of your time. For example... fresh like the about-to-burst tomato plucked from the vine. fresh like sharpening the cutting edge. fresh like talking back. fresh like natural, new, renewing and renewable. fresh like sassy when sassy's called for. fresh like Marty McFly's line, "I guess you guys aren't ready for that, yet. But your kids are gonna love it." fresh like not stale, like not immature, like totally not mature. fresh like smooth and confident, pushing the envelope, evolving quickly because I reckon those things, and the millions and billions of things like them, are about as fresh as things get. trying my damndest to keep it fresh, heather Dear Heather, Now that the government has snatched up our lovely Willy Philly for the next 6 months, who will take over in the pass out drunk so your friends can make embarrassing videos of you role? Betsy, 24, South La Jolla Hey Betsy - That's a tough one. I thought and I thought and I thought some more about who could fill in for Wills while he's afloat somewhere very secret and classified, and couldn't come up with anybody. Because, really there's nobody who could ever fill his shoes. And then it hit me - we'll start a Wills's Word of the Week! And then even though he's far, far away, it'll be like he never even left. Willy Philly can be chillin in your living room any hour of the day. If you get desperate for something to draw all over and make videos of, I might have a pet you can borrow. Keep it fresh, heather Dear Heather, I have a dilemma, I have applied to colleges and gotten into all the places I wanted to which include University of Loyola Chicago, Winona State in Minnesota, and Bowling Green State University in Ohio. Now the problem is I like them all. They all got what I need - parties, guys, bars, and oh yeah a business school. But how is a girl to choose? That is why I am asking you Heather, what would you do if you wanted to have some good ole fun in college? Thanks a million, Kat Hey Kat - First of all, congrats on getting into all the places you wanted to - what a relief that's gotta be. Now, if you're looking to have some good ole fun in college, the male/female ratio is the only thing that really matters. I checked out your three options and they break down like this - University of Loyola Chicago: women 63% Winona State in Minnesota: women 64% Bowling Green State: women 56% So, while it looks like you're stuck in the majority at any of your schools, Bowling Green gives you the best odds. Of course, your raging freshness will overcome any statistical deficit you face, I'm sure, but it still doesn't hurt to play the odds when you can. Go get 'em and... Keep it fresh, Heather Dear Heather: What is the difference between Gwen Stefani & Gwyneth Paltrow? Are they both real people? I am confused because I heard both names, and then I mixed them up. What's the deal? Thanks, Sandeep Hey Sandeep - If I had a dime for every time I got this question! First of all, though I've never seen them in real life, I believe that they are both, in fact, real people. Assuming that's true, a surefire way to tell the two apart is to remember that Paltrow is the one girls think boys think is hot, Stefani is the one boys think is hot. I understand your confusion, though - they do have some striking similarities. Here's a couple I came up with: Paltrow's first name's first syllable is Gwyn. Stefani's first name's first syllable is Gwen. Paltrow has a daughter named Apple. Stefani has a song about Spider Webs. Their husbands are very similar, too. Paltrow's is the front man of an edgy-pop British rock band with one word name whose vaguely tortured demeanor suggests brilliance. Stefani's was the front man of an edgy-pop British rock band with one word name whose vaguely tortured demeanor suggests brilliance. Paltrow's is not opposed to wearing some form of a turtleneck. Stefani's is not opposed to wearing some form of a turtleneck. Hope this helps and... Keep it fresh, Heather Dear Heather, I need a super hot name for my new puppy. He's a boy... and he's too cool for school. So far I have: -Fabio -Cujo -P Diddy They just aren't cutting it. I need something cooler. Thanks mucho senorita! Keep it spankin, Ace Hey Ace - Heavens to burritos that's one cute animal you got there! I don't know why, but I just keep coming back to "Chopper" and "Sergio." So, I suggest either "Chopper Sergio" or "Sergio Chopper." Either way, he'll get a name befitting those floppy little ears and you'll sound tough when you yell at him for chewing your shoes. Thanks for the fun question! Keep it fresh, heather Dear Heather, Last year for mother's day, I gave my beloved mother a life-sized cardboard cutout of Gollum (from the Lord of the Rings movies) and she hated it. I thought I had found the perfect gift! This year for Groundhog Day, I wanted to get her a groundhog, but I can't seem to find them. Where should I look? Are there any other gift ideas? Thanks so much! Oh yeah, and why aren’t there any other holidays that honor small mammals? -Derek from Athens. (Alabama) Hey Derek - The groundhog (a.k.a. "woodchuck" or "whistle pig") is a short-legged, heavy-set, burrowing rodent with grizzled brownish fur native to northern and eastern North America. Because of the "burrowing" thing, most people assume groundhogs live underground, but you can stick your arms down all the holes in the woods and find nary a one. In fact, you'd be better off looking up kids' noses, because groundhogs live on top of cupcakes. Other gift ideas - you could give your mom a groundhog cookie cutter or even make her a stunning picture of a groundhog on your computer. Oh, and there are some other holidays honoring small mammals, Derek - don't forget about Easter and St. Patrick's Day. Keep it fresh, Heather Hey Heather, I have recently come across a certificate for a life-time supply of Pez that I found while rummaging through my neighbor's garbage, looking for old National Geographics to help build a life size model of you, and I was wondering if I went on a strictly regimented Pez diet how long would it take for my organs to shut down? And when they did could I sue Willy Wonka for custody of the Oompa Loompas? Thank you for your time, Uncle D. Hey Uncle D - Did you know that there's a tribe of people in Mauritania, Africa, called the Imragen that only, and I do mean only, eats fish? No plants can grow there, so close to the Western Sahara, the Imragen live on the coast and eat nothing but the mullets in the bay that they catch with their nets. And guess what? They live for years and years before their organs shut down. A wise man once said, "But a fish is not Pez." Listen to that wise man, Uncle D., and don't do it - don't eat nothing but Pez until your organs shut down. A handful a day, just for the fun of them, should do you right. And no, you couldn't sue Willy Wonka, because your organs would've shut down, and you know what that means. Your estate could, though, but what would your next of kin do with the Oompa Loompas if you weren't there to herd and train them? It would be madness. Thanks for the question, and... keep it fresh, heather Senorita, Mis dos amigos and I live in a hole-in-the-wall town in Central Indiana. Our town has about 1200 people in it. We believe that no one, other than ourselves, is funky enough for us to spread the fresh to. We sport the VV threads and are often asked where we got the shirt. But we think that if we tell these "tools" where we got the shirts, it will deface Camp Cool forever. Where can we find people cool enough to share our faith in the all-mighty Mateo? Mil gracias, Mike T. Hey Mike - Looks like you don't have to go far after all. I checked out some websites from the "high quality, moderately priced housing and friendly neighborhoods in subdivisions" in Central Indiana, and they're just teeming with cool people! Check out a few recent photos of your neighbors from Amberleigh Village, Hills and Dales, and the Central Indiana Grotto Club (they get together and explore caves). I'm sure you'll agree that, if given the chance, most of these people would share your faith in the all-mighty Mateo - and they'd have a hoosieriffic time doing it. Keep it fresh, heather Dear Heather, I am in desperate need of a new AIM screen name. I've tried to think of one but no matter how hard my efforts I still am not witty enough... but I'm sure you are. I would love for you to assist me (ok, ok... do it for me) in thinking of a new screen name. I would greatly appreciate it... Thanks, Eryn Hey Eryn - Thanks for the fun question. Your AIM name should be as memorable and clever as possible. Riffing off your own name is a good place to start - how about "eryngutan" or "putsomeerynmytires" or "erynthesideofsafety"? If none of those strikes your fancy, here's a can't-miss formula to make your own: _________ [favorite portable meal] + ________ [favorite funny-sounding word meaning "thrower, or person who throws"] = great screenname. (This is the formula which yielded such greats as "muffinchucker," "chalupalobber," and "hotpocketosser.") I hope this helps. Keep it fresh, Heather Dear Heather, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... my toothbrush is on fire. What should I do?! -gimmieaphatbeat Hey Gimme- Yours is a very common question: "My _______ is on fire, please help." My advice to all of you is that the only foolproof way to stay out of harm's way and ease your mind is to hire your own personal Fire Lady, who will follow you around with a mini extinguisher. Keep it fresh, heather Dear Heather, I was writing to you asking you which you prefer, the Maryland I formation or the West Coast offense? Sincerely, Brian (a real Husker fan) Hey Brian - Thanks to the latest issue of Vanity Fair (you know, the one with a frosted-haired Jude Law on the cover) I just learned that the West Coast offense, developed by San Francisco 49ers coach Bill Walsh in the early 1980's, "while radical for its time, is now used, in pure or modified form, by at least half the teams in the NFL. Heavily dependent on short, high-percentage pass routes and precision timing, the West Coast offense (generally) sacrifices the glamour of big plays for Teutonic efficiency that, with the right personnel, results in tons of points." Thanks to football.com, I just learned that the Maryland I is a type of Power Sweep running play in which two or more offensive linemen pull out of their stances and lumber toward the outside of the line of scrimmage, leading the running back who receives a handoff or pitch from the quarterback. Thanks to MSNBC, I also just learned that your very own Nebraska Cornhuskers got a new coach this season - Bill Callahan, most recently of the Oakland Raiders - who's bringing this edgy new West Coast offense with him to Lincoln, Nebraska, where the Huskers have always been a run first, run second, and run third team, and don't consider passing unless they get really scared and forget all their plays. So now I understand where your question is coming from. And to answer it - I prefer neither of those offenses. Little short passes are boring to watch. Getting all jammed up in the middle time after time is boring to watch. I prefer the Hail Mary offense. Just send a bunch of really speedy dudes flying down the field as fast as they can and have the quarterback chuck it as far as he can and see what happens. Exciting football is what happens. Keep it fresh, Heather Dear Heather, Is the name of that funky fresh soccer team in the background of some of the auctions "Roses & Lollipops?" I was just wonderin what's the deal with that, it's the kind of classic intimidating team mascot that the youths of today fail to utilize anymore. Keep on truckin. Arlen, Scranton, PA Hey Arlen -- Good eye, man! That is the name of the team on one of our new modeling backgrounds, and I'm happy to report that I was a member of that herd of turtles. We were sponsored by, and therefore named after, "Roses and Lollipops," which was a local children's clothing store in East Greenwich, Rhode Island. It definitely was an ultra-sissy team name, and quite a mouthful, especially for kids with a lot of holes where teeth should be. In fact, many crazed parents on the sidelines understandably chose to abbreviate it -- screaming just "GO ROSES!" instead of "GO ROSES AND LOLLIPOPS!" Despite all that, it was a non-violent, happy, floral, sweet, fragrant and delicious team mascot - and one I was proud to sport on my chest. It's not as tough as, say, Royals, but we Roses and Lollipops showed our toughness in other ways, like by scarfing down orange wedges out of enormous Tupperware bowls. Keep it fresh, Heather P.S. To those you who have asked me to suggest a name for your IM team, I think it's pretty clear what my answer is. Don't forget to send us your team pictures. Heather- Halloween is a big holiday for me and one that I take very seriously as it relates to creating and executing a unique costume. I usually plan my costume out months in advance and previous years' efforts have included going as "Amish", Evil Knievel, and Phil Mickelson (with balloons in the chest region). I'm not sure what to do this year and I am yet to find any real inspiration. Do you have any character or theme related suggestions, something that is sure to be fresh and unique? Halloween is right around the corner and I'm starting to sweat it. I greatly appreciate any insight on this- Robb in Hotlanta Hey Robb - Great question, and one I've gotten from a couple of different people. While the range of Halloween costume possibilities is infinite, here are some suggestions I came up with based on the different goals all of you might have for the holiday. They're all cheap and easy to make and you'll have no trouble eating, drinking, and doing the worm all night. So, if your goal is… 1. to hook up - Chicas: You'll never go wrong with black cat or cowgirl. (But c'mon, it's the one shot you have to be daring in an un-cute way - while I'd never suggest wearing something that makes you feel "hideous," doing something unconventional with your appearance for one night can be liberating. Just consider it.) Chicos: You all always want to hook up, no special costumes for you. Go down to the other categories. to look really cool and apathetic while you stand around mocking people who actually spent time and energy on their costumes - Do everybody a favor and stay at home. to win a contest - statistically, and regardless of your gender, you're far more likely to win a Halloween costume contest when you're dressed as one of the following: Princess Di; Vladimir Putin; or My parents (Joyce and/or Bob). to make people who look at you think that you're funny/interesting - this is where you can really get creative, because you can be ANYTHING. Be random and ridiculous, randomly ridiculous and ridiculously random. Some ideas: Pick a character from your favorite song. Por ejemplo: Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me" - be the person who got sugar poured on him OR the person who poured the sugar. Barry Manilow's "Copacabana" offers five great options, possibly for you and four friends - be young Lola, the showgirl: put yellow feathers in your hair and wear a dress cut down to there, and just keep merengue and cha-cha-ing all over the place. be Tony, the ill-fated bartender at the Copa, in love with his Lola, he ends up shot to death in a barroom brawl defending her honor. be Rico, the sleazeball jerk wearing a diamond who puts the moves on Lola at the Copa and forces Tony to defend her honor. be old Lola, 30 years later, in the same dress but faded feathers, she drinks herself half-blind since she lost her youth, her Tony, and her mind. (*fun one!) be old Rico, still with the diamond, in prison stripes. (Note: this "old Rico" character is not in the song, per se, but I think we can assume Rico goes to jail for manslaughter.) Be a character from a Jack Handy Deep Thought. You'll look interesting, at least, and have a clever little story to tell handy (sorry) all night long. Por ejemplo: "Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer." (Get some Styrofoam and paint and be the Coral Head Deer Kid). "If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy." (You can easily get a shirt that says "Free" and be the dummy. Or, if you've got it in you, you can dress like the Sears Tower and tie a mini-dummy from your waist). "Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see." (Be the trampling-eating sharkephant - gray clothes, gray sock off your nose, fin on your head, bucket of chum in hand). Be your favorite food. This is the perennial crowd pleaser - everybody likes food. Por ejemplo: Mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwich. This is what I'm going to be this year. My costume consists of mint green pants and t-shirt shirt to which I'll attach some makeshift brown chips; brown hat; and brown shoes. Easy. Taquito/Flauta/Rolled Quesadilla/Egg Roll. Staple some combination of meat and vegetables to a hat and your shoes. Wrap a cream/light yellow blanket around yourself. The bottom line is Halloween's the only chance to wear crazy clothes that most people get all year. Make the most of it and… Keep it fresh, Heather Heather, I was watching a Geiko commercial during the Olympics and they were playing a song in the background... here are all the words I could remember: "I got my rabbit ears on and I wanna get chubby, chubby..." Is this a real song, and if it is where can I get a copy? Sincerely, Stu Hey Stu - The real song you heard is called "The C.B. Song" by four guys who call themselves The Legendary Shack*Shakers. Just go to their site to get your copy, listen to a bit of it, and see a painting of some four-winged ducks. Keep it fresh, Heather Hi Heather, I live in Georgia and it seems like the cool thing to have is a loud truck with mud always on it. Can you tell me why? - Shawn from Georgia Hey Shawn - I consulted an expert or help with your question. Jimmy is a certified Good Ole Boy - born in Fulton County at North Fulton Regional Hospital, educated in the Alpharetta public school system, hush puppy connoisseur. Jimmy had this to say about Georgian trucks: Some people incorrectly think that muddy trucks are a call to that bygone era of the 1960's when the first Giant Tractor Pull Competition was held in Atlanta's Fulton County Stadium. If you're unfamiliar with these events, they're a chance for thousands of rednecks to get together and watch each other get obnoxiously drunk. In the background, trucks with expensive exhaust systems (and nonfunctioning mufflers) spray mud on each other. However, the truth of the matter is this: trucks do not have sweat glands, so they have to roll around in the mud to stay cool in the warm Georgian climate. Well, there you have it, Shawn. Thanks, Jimmy. Keep it fresh, heather   quickfreebeer!

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